I write this as I am curled up in a ball on my couch still trying to digest the obscene amount of food I consumed over Thanksgiving (but I did beat my brother. He waved his white flag on the dessert course. Weak.) This is how my day went yesterday.
Eat. Stop. Eat. Power nap. Wake up. Feel sick. Eat. Stop. Couch. Food baby. Name food baby Lydia. Fetal position. Curse Lydia. Stop. Repeat.
I’m having a hard enough time trying to form coherent sentences after eating so much so here is an unfiltered rant on Black Friday.
Black Friday is called “black” for a reason. That reason is that it stains your soul black as someone tramples all over you in a Westfield shopping mall. I can’t understand why people enjoy standing in line in the freezing cold after (or before) eating Thanksgiving dinner. You are literally standing in line for hours WITH a food baby in your stomach. Why would you do that to yourself? Do you want to die young? You can do that with Ke$ha instead you fools.
It is a proven fact that the sales on Black Friday are not the best sales of the year. WAIT DID I JUST BLOW YOUR MIND? Tis true my readers. Most of the time, the “huge deals” are off brands of things. And if they are the top brands, read the fine print on the ads. Most times it will say “only 2 guaranteed in stock” so you’ll be shit out of luck by the time you even get through the front doors. If these stupid people did their research they wouldn’t be wasting their holiday time in a tent outside of Best Buy waiting to be trampled by the family of 7 who has been camped out since last Friday.
People, there is this thing called the Internet with Black Friday sales and this other thing called CYBER MONDAY. As in, you could be buying the same shit from your laptop but from the comfort of your own couch in your stretchy pants while watching A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving.
Do the right thing. Make good choices. Embrace the 21st century of laziness and instant gratification.