Just last Friday I wrote about being able to anywhere I wanted having found myself being a recent college graduate and having the world at my feet. I gave you that perspective and on the other end of that shiny rainbow is the half that contains (as of right now) an empty pot of gold since I have now graduated from a poor college kid to a poor college graduate. Same concept but my new title now includes a little more shame. Let me explain with an example. While it is acceptable to wear sweats to class everyday it is not so acceptable to wear them in public.
I was questioning whether or not to even publicize this post but since I first and foremost created this blog for myself and my word vomit, I realized that if I don’t post it I am somewhat defeating the purpose that it was made for.
Since I’ve been back in la-la land I’ve been avoiding myself. I know that sounds stupid but I don’t know another way to explain this strange feeling of distracting myself, from myself. I’ve thrown myself into doing things I usually wouldn’t be caught dead doing. Like cleaning, doing the dishes regularly, working out regularly, cooking, taking down my Christmas decorations (which was emotionally painful), attempting to hang curtains, sewing trim/lace for said curtains and even VACUUMING. Let me tell you, I vacuum probably once every four months. But I did and that’s when I realized shit was getting a little strange.
So on Sunday I sat down with some Melody Gardot and Ed Sheeran and had a little “Sarah self reflection time” to try and figure out what exactly I was avoiding. I know I sound like a crazy multiple personality person at this point but please just love me anyways. Actually if someone isn’t a little admittedly crazy, I don’t think I could ever trust them. Plus, normal people are boring.
The conclusion? 1. I’m not sure what the next part of my life holds and I’m having slight anxiety and 2. I’m avoiding one of the things I love most, writing.
The main reason why I made this blog was to make sure I wrote something at least once a day, which I have been doing for about three months now. Go Sarah. But I’m talking about writing in the creative sense. Short stories, poems, characters, lyrics, prose, anything really. I haven’t done that since my creative writing class ended last semester and I purposely took that class so I was forced to do it. I may or may not have a procrastination problem. May or may not.
I’m not quite sure why I’m avoiding writing. I’ve done this to myself before but I don’t think it’s quite the same reasoning this time around. I think my subconscious has created a new roadblock. And if I’m being completely honest it probably has to do with the fact that I just graduated college and therefore have nothing solid to fall back on. It is also terrifying putting yourself out there doing anything in a creative sense. That’s always been my biggest problem, accepting the vulnerability it constantly brings.
While most of my friends are settling in for interterm or their winter quarters, I have come to the stark conclusion that I am not. Because I graduated. And I am finished with school. That’s F-I-N-I-S-H-E-D if you wanted a short spelling lesson.
I don’t think my brain has fully processed that that part of my life is over and as a way to distract myself I am doing anything possible to avoid thinking about it. Enter the newfound cooking, cleaning, and regularly working out part of my life.
It’s actually really terrifying knowing you have nothing to fall back on and are starting all over again. When you start high school you enter as a vulnerable little 14 year old wanting to make new friends. You do the same thing in college except you’ve most likely hit your “I don’t look like a baby anymore” phase and have a little more confidence knowing you can start over where not a lot, if anyone, knows you.
Then you graduate college and have to start over. Again. But this time you aren’t making new friends, you’re trying to convince people to hire you for a job because of your astounding intelligence and brilliant work ethic along with all of your other amazingly unique qualities that make you better than the girl sitting in the hall wearing the pair of heels you are drooling over. Plus you have to wear business clothes and let’s be real, no one actually enjoys that. It’s a fun dress up game for about 5 minutes and then you want to rip it all to shreds and put on jeans and a t-shirt.
So I guess I’m starting over. Which really terrifies me. I’ve never been the best with change and it usually takes me a while to settle in to a new routine or way of life. And this is probably the most drastic change I’ve ever encountered thus far in my 20-something years of life. But hey, at least I don’t have to try and make new friends again. That usually ends up with awkward laughter and asking, “so how do you feel about the cats versus dogs conundrum?”
I don’t really know what else to say here. Like I said before, I first questioned if I should even put this out there for the Internet world to read. But then I thought, “I would really like someone to post something like this if I was feeling this overwhelming sense of being lost.” So that’s what I decided to do. If someone else reads this and appreciates it, call me so we can hang out and discuss our 20-something “I’m lost with my life” thoughts over a cheap $2 cup of coffee at Starbucks. Because that’s all I can budget for in my “eating out” fund at the moment.
To end this, here is a sappy lyric from one of my favorite men in music, Mr. John Mayer.
“So scared of getting old, I’m only good at being young.”