Welcome to the Grammy Awards where amazing collaborations are put on the same stage and some people still can’t sing live. During the 3 and a half hour telecast, only about 10 awards are actually presented. The rest of the time is reserved for saaaaanging since it’s “music’s biggest night.”
The 4 major awards that most people care about are Song of the Year (We Are Young, Fun.), Record of the Year (Somebody I Used To Know, Gotye ft Kimbra), Best New Artist (Fun.) and Album of the Year (Babel, Mumford & Sons). Since no one can ever differentiate the two, Song of the Year is for the songwriters and Record of the Year for the producers. So if that’s what you came here for, there you go.
Since there were so many performances I’m just going to list them all and share my thoughts. Word Vomit commence.
- Taylor Swift – Opened the show and hands down was the absolute worst of the night. I was legitimately scared and did not understand what the hell she was trying to do. Plus her vocal was terrible (surprise, surprise.) Girl, you DO NOT do that. Ever. It pains me to say this because I love you Tay, but please grow up already and stop being passive aggressive toward old boyfriends (cough the bad British accent was totally a Harry Styles dig cough).
- Ed Sheeran and Elton John – UTTER PERFECTION. Could not have been anymore perfect. Elton on piano, Ed on guitar and beautiful harmonies. I was crying.
- Fun. – Love the new single. Lead singer sounded great but a little nervey. They literally “made it rain.”
- Miranda Lambert and Dierks Bentley – I love them both but I really thought the whole performance was a little long and boring. Love Miranda’s song, not feeling Dierk’s as much.
- Miguel and Wiz Khalifa – We had an entire discussion of who the hell Miguel even is at my Grammy’s party but regardless he sounded great. Wiz, why were you even up there?
- Mumford & Sons – Amazing as always. Love that they jam so hard on every stage they perform on. My claim to fame will always be that I saw them third row, main stage Coachella 2011. Best thing of my life.
- Justin Timberlake – MY OVARIES ARE GONE. JUSTIN I WILL HAVE YOUR BABIES. THAT PERFORMANCE WAS EVERYTHING. THAT NEW SONG IS EVERYTHING. I CAN’T SIT STILL. NO ONE TOUCH ME.
- Maroon 5 and Alicia Keys – Really loved the ending. Adam Levine is kind of obsessed with himself. Alicia was showing a little too much underboob.
- Rihanna – Still don’t really like the song but the guy who sang it with her made the performance awesome. Her vocals were on point and she looked bangin.
- Black Keys – Nothing needs to be said other than kick ass.
- Kelly Clarkson tribute – She could sing the phone book for 5 hours and I wouldn’t turn it off. The voice of an angel. Actual perfection.
- Bruno Mars, Sting, Rihanna & Co. – BAD ASS. BAD ASS. BAD ASS.
- The Lumineers – Simple and effective. Very classy for a first Grammy appearance.
- Jack White – Couldn’t understand much of what he was saying but he rocked it out. Throwing the guitar at the end #rockstarlife
- Hunter Hayes – Sang approximately 4 lines and then threw it to Carrie.
- Carrie Underwood – HER DRESS WAS SO COOL. And her vocal sounded great but honestly I was too busy playing the “what is her dress going to look like next?” game. I imagine her singing and being like “suck it Taylor, this is how you sing at the Grammys.”
- Elton John, Alabama Shakes, Mumford & Sons & Co. – FLAWLESS.
- Frank Ocean – Really really really incredible. The end where his body and the screen mesh up and he walks into the road – mind blown.
- LL Cool J – he ended the show. I muted the TV. Seriously what the hell is he even doing still?
Other random thoughts
- Jay-Z went up to accept his award and the music was cueing him out and then it miraculously stopped. Illuminati. I’m convinced. Plus you don’t interrupt Jay. Ever.
- Beyonce and Ellen introducing JT. JT is the King, Beyonce the Queen and Ellen the Joker. We have a new royal family everyone.
- The guy from Fun. thanking Jay-Z for no reason, then Jay with drink in hand saying “YOU’RE WELCOME.”
- Jay-Z casually strolling out of the audience to join JT on stage. Like “oh yeah I guess I can get up to do my verse. It’s whatever. I run shit.”
- Adele won again. As she should. She should win all of the awards for forever.
- LL Cool J lose your damn hat. It looks idiotic. And stop talking about your own life and career. No one really cares.
- John Mayer and Tim McGraw, thank you for looking damn fine. That’s all.
- Sad that Ed Sheeran lost to Fun. for Song of the Year but just excited Carly Rae went home empty-handed. Life is as it should be.
- Taylor Swift please stop dancing during everyone’s song in an attempt to make yourself feel better about your own god awful performance. Just stop.
- Mumford & Sons steals Album of the Year. That category was stacked so well done to them. Well deserved in my book.
- Katy Perry’s comment of “take that Bon Iver.” Pretty sure J. Mayer helped her on that joke.
- Also fun fact: Adele is only 7 months older than Taylor Swift. Take that information and then compare. That is all.