I was sitting outside my office building having my lunch on Wilshire Boulevard when I just starting thinking about things. Where I am now compared to where I was last year, 2 years ago, 5 years ago even. I’ve changed a lot. I think we all change a lot even over the course of a month because we’re so young and life moves so fast in your 20s
As I was eating my lunch I realized I still haven’t found my voice yet. I’m usually very vocal about things when speaking with friends but there are still times when I haven’t said what I wanted to say or told something to someone that I wanted to. There are still some things that I keep to myself and no one knows. I don’t know why I don’t say them. Maybe I’m embarrassed because some dreams are pipe dreams. Maybe I think that once I say it out loud it becomes a reality that I can’t take back ever again. As long as it only lives in my brain it still isn’t something I would have to be held accountable for. It’s still something that belongs to only me. My dream and no one else’s.
Starting this blog 6 months ago was a big step for me. It’s been pivotal in me starting to find the path to finding my voice. This is my safe space. I can express my thoughts, opinions and rants in an environment that I created all on my own. I don’t know who or how many people read it and I don’t really care. It’s a constant in my life and gives me some stability on a daily basis. It also forces me to come up with and write something every single day. I am so proud to say I’ve never missed a day since I started. That fact still astounds me considering my track record with sticking to things like this isn’t very good.
I don’t know when the time will come when I feel that I’ve truly found my voice. I don’t know if it will be in one moment when I feel it or if it will be a gradual change over time. I don’t know if it will be a sweet awakening or a terrifying experience when I’m thrown into the fire. Writing is a very vulnerable thing whether it’s creative or personal or a mixture of both. Putting any type of work out into the world is very very scary to me. You’re giving people free reign to read, judge and discuss what you’ve done. That fear is something I still deal with almost on a daily basis. I’ve been working on it but still can’t seem to get over the hill. It’s a slow climb. I won’t even show my closest friends and family some of the things I’ve written because it feels like I’m giving them a piece of my soul and if they don’t like it, I don’t know what I’ll do. Cry? Run? Laugh? All of the above?
I’ve slowly began writing again. I now keep a little notebook with me wherever I go and if I think of something, I’ll write it down and try and expand on it later. It’s hard putting yourself into a creative headspace but writing is just like everything else, you have to work it out. It’s like a muscle in that sense. You have to train yourself to get in a daily routine and after some time it becomes muscle memory. You do it without struggle and without thinking about it too much.
I think everyone is struggling to find their voice in their 20s. We change our mind more often than we change our pants. But that’s okay. I think that’s what we’re supposed to do. Keep changing our minds and changing our minds and changing our minds until we finally get something right. Then we can celebrate with a glass of wine and start all over again.