It’s been eight months since I left my last job and I think I’m just now starting to get back to the girl I used to be. If I’m being honest, it took me about 5 or 6 months to realize she was even gone. I was so far in the bubble that I didn’t even realize I lost her.
I don’t know what it was about those jobs. Maybe it was because it was my first taste of LA or maybe it was because I was the youngest (as I always seem to be) but for some reason I morphed into someone I wasn’t. Maybe it was an approval seeking thing and I just wanted people to like me. Maybe I just wanted to feel like I belonged somewhere in a big, new city. Maybe I just wanted to prove to them, and to myself that I could hang with that crowd. That I was good enough.
In the beginning I was like a sponge soaking in everything. Once I got my first taste, it was like a whole new world opened and I wanted all of it. I wanted all of it and I wanted it now. I’ve never really done well at half assing things. I threw everything I had into those jobs, into this new girl I had created for those jobs. The new girl never said no, always stayed late and was always available even if it meant sacrificing her own plans or relationships.
It is just now, eight months later, that I’m finally re-falling in love with things I used to do before all of that started. Simple things that make me happy. Reading, going to the flea markets on a regular basis, sitting in silence, cooking dinner, enjoying tea in the mornings and being inspired to write. I didn’t realize that all of those things had been stunted until I had this pang in my heart and said “oh that’s what it feels to really miss something.”
I’m starting to re-prioritize my life again as well. Going home always clears my head and being home the past 2 weekends reminded me why I’m down in LA in the first place. Why I’m doing the things I’m doing. Why I even want to be here. Granted, don’t for one minute think I know exactly what I want but I think I now have a little bit clearer of a picture. If you would have asked me 2 years ago what my priorities or goals were, I probably would have lied about it because I don’t think I really had any. Other than making sure people showed up to their meetings, making sure the dinner reservations were set and praying that I didn’t wake up with more than 50 emails on a Saturday morning. Those shouldn’t be the goals of any 20-something.
The biggest thing I’m trying to get back to is trusting myself. I have to trust that I know what I’m good at and I have to just do it. I lost a lot of confidence in myself when I stopped doing all of the things I love on a regular basis. Before all of the crazy started I didn’t stifle myself, I didn’t edit myself, I just did it. That’s what I need to get back to. It’s a really nice state of mind. It’ s a very productive, healthy and creative state of mind.
If you met me for the first time in the past two years I think I want a do-over. I want to reintroduce myself not as the crazed 20-something who was constantly checking emails and looking a hot mess, but as the 20-something who’s a little more calm and looks like she’s actually enjoying her time. So…
Hi, I’m Sarah. Nice to meet you.