Bachelor Sean: We Have A Winner/Wifey

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Here we go. The last Bachelor Sean episode of the season. To be honest I’m still mourning the loss of my #1 girl Ashlee but I’m hoping this episode brings drama and tears to pick me up. Will there be a ring? Will Sean walk away without a wife? WHO IS THAT DAMN LETTER FROM???

  • “One of the most beautiful moments in Bachelor history” but aren’t they all Chris? I mean they are until they finally break up.
  • Here we go Catherine. This is the make it or break it girl.
  • 10 points to Catherine for getting Dad’s approval. Girl is passing with flying colors.
  • Lindsay steps up to the plate and brings gifts. Where the hell do you get gifts/new outfits like that in Thailand? Just curious.
  • Oh shit is Dad switching sides? He just pulled out the “I’ve been praying for you” card. Jesus has entered the building.
  • Mom isn’t really giving much for either Catherine or Lindsay. Tough crowd.
  • Ooooh mom breaks down. She doesn’t want him to rush into something too soon. Wise words mom considering most Bachelor relationships end in ruin. (I would say it’s a 94% chance it will end in ruin.)
  • WHAT IS THE ANNOUNCEMENT CHRIS IS SOMEONE PREGGO???
  • Sean and Lindsay with the lantern. Que typical Bachelor love music.
  • Sean says he thinks that right now, Lindsay is the one. I would think a random was the love of my life too if I was watching a lantern of our love fly away into the Thailand sky.
  • We’ve got an ass grab on national television. Sean getting frisky.
  • Oh god what is Catherine doing. Stop crying and pull it together girl.
  • HE IS GETTING A RING. SOMEONE IS GOING TO GET PROPOSED TO.
  • Let it go on record that Lindsay is wearing a silver dress. Not horrible but not good either.
  • Catherine is wearing gold. It’s all over. Catherine wins I’m calling it now. The dominant color person always gets chosen.
  • OH SHIT ASHLEE IS BACK WATCH YO BACK SEAN.
  • Ashlee did not want to say that. She is talking through a locked jaw right now. It’s okay I still love you girl.
  • Lindsay is first out of the limo. She loses. Did I call it or did I call it? Silver never beats gold.
  • Sean is crying his eyes out. Poor Lindsay.
  • Oh god my heart goes out to Lindsay. Stand tall girl.
  • Can we all give Lindsay a standing O for taking her shoes off. SHE IS SO THROUGH WITH SEAN. You go girl.
  • Be mad Lindsay. You have the god damn right to be furious.
  • THE LETTER IS FROM CATHERINE. CHRIS HARRISON TELL ME WHAT IT SAYS I’M HYPERVENTILATING OVER HERE.
  • And here comes Sean’s golden girl. Literally.
  • That note was the cutest thing in Bachelor history.
  • Catherine just blinked 17 times in 3 seconds.
  • MY TEARS ARE REAL AND THEY ARE HAPPENING NOW.
  • THE PROPOSAL. THE RING. THE ROCK. DID YOU ALL SEE THE SIZE OF THAT ROCK???
  • THEY ARE RIDING AWAY ON AN ELEPHANT INTO THE SUNSET NO WAY. COOLEST FINALE EVER. ALL THE AWARDS SEAN AND CATHERINE. ALL THE AWARDS.
  • Lindsay’s new hair is bangin.
  • Lindsay is straight handling this like a pro. She looks like a goddess.
  • Side note: Why are there so many candles? Isn’t that a fire hazard?
  • UGH SEAN AND CATHERINE ARE SO CUTE.
  • “Everyone is so happy for you” says Chris Harrison. Everyone except Ashlee… (pretty sure she’s still bitter)
  • WAIT THE WEDDING WILL BE ON TV OMG TEARS TEARS TEARS. PARTY TIMEEEE.
  • Of course Chris Harrison is ordained. Of course.
  • DES IS THE NEW BACHELORETTE I AM GOING TO KILL IN THE BRACKET.

Sean/Catherine

There you have it Bachelor Nation. Sean is engaged to Catherine and their wedding will be televised. I can’t wait to watch and cry over how cute they are. But more importantly I can’t wait for summer when Des becomes the new Bachelorette and we have 25 new men to drool over. I’m going to kill in her bracket. She’s going to be fairly easy to predict. I’m calling well over 200 points. (Someone hold me to that.) I’ll see you in a few months Bachelor(ette) Nation. Good night, and god bless Chris Harrison and Catherine’s ring.

Bachelor Sean: Women Tell All

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I know I said my favorite episode of the season is hometowns but I don’t consider the Women Tell All episode when saying that.

OVERALL Women Tell All is the best episode hands down. All the girls Sean rejected are back to talk mad shit about each other to their faces. The claws come out. It’s the ultimate train wreck.

Bringing this back because I can.

Bringing this back because I can.

  • I’m pretty sure the entire audience is all women.
  • Sean and Chris go crash some Bachelor parties and make girls cry.
  • Dear god a sorority house. I’m going to bite my tongue on this one instead of doing serious damage.
  • Ashley P reliving the moment on national television that ruined the rest of her potential dating life.
  • “You gotta hide your crazy” but that doesn’t make for good Bachelor television Selma. Haven’t you learned that yet?
  • TIERRABLE TIMES HAVE RETURNED.
  • “I light up in a room” says Tierra. I actually just spit on my computer screen.
  • Tierra is Gretchen Weiners. “I light up a room” is the same thing as “I can’t help it I’m so popular.” IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW.
  • I can’t even type right now I’m laughing so hard through everything Tierra is saying.
  • Even Chris Harrison is trying not to laugh at Tierra and he’s right next to her.
  • RELEASE THE BEASTS ON TIERRA (aka the women).
  • HELL YES MY GIRL ASHLEE IS GOING TO GO OFF ON TIERRA.
  • Ashlee is throwing it down right now. Go girl.
  • Lesley going for the lawlz mentioning Tierra’s cot. 10 points to you Lesley.
  • Tierra giving a pageant queen speech right now. Waiting for the “…and world peace.”
  • DAMN THAT IS A ROCK ON TIERRA’S FINGER.
  • Sarah you win the award for cutest dress.
  • I still can’t say anything about Sarah’s arm without sounding like an ass so I’m not going to.
  • Poor Des, my heart goes out to you. Get rid of your brother and you’ll get any man you want.
  • ASHLEE’S HAIR WINS ALL OF THE AWARDS.
  • “He broke my heart” do I hear a new Bachlorette? Chris Harrison can you advise?
  • The man of the hour, Sean Lowe. TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF.
  • “You were my front runner” Sean says to Ashlee. ME TOO SEAN SHE WAS MY BACHELOR BRACKET GOLD.
  • Ashlee is going all in on this one with Sean. Sean looks like he wants to crawl under a chair.
  • Spoiler alert: Sean sucks at opening bottles.
  • SHIRTLESS SEAN BLESS YOU CHRIS HARRISON. BLESS YOU.
  • I’m putting my money on Catherine to win it all.
  • BUT WHO IS THAT DAMN LETTER FROM.
  • This dog montage at the end just took this from dramatic train wreck to saddest Bachelor episode ever.

We have an entire 3 hours next week for the finale. I can’t wait to find out who wrote the letter. I think I’m more excited for that than to see who actually wins. See you next week Bachelor Nation.

Bachelor Sean Bracket: Episode 9 (aka THE DAY MY HEART WAS BROKEN)

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This is the worst Bachelor heartbreak I have ever experienced. Worse than Emily not choosing Sean last year. Worse than Brad and Emily breaking up. Worse than Emily and Jef breaking up. Worse than Chris Harrison announcing he was getting a divorce (if he can’t find love then who can?) Why was this the worst? BECAUSE I REALLY BELIEVED IN SEAN AND ASHLEE DAMMIT. I POURED MY HEART INTO THOSE TWO.

You gave this up Sean. YOU RUINED THIS.

You gave this up Sean. YOU RUINED THIS.

I sit and write this 3 hours after the end of the episode and am still not fully recovered. Here is my word vomit from the episode, not that it even matters. Because my girl is gone. I would say I’m boycotting because my bracket is screwed but I am far too invested by this point.

  • Welcome to the good life. Hello Thailand.
  •  Loving all of these casual shots on the beach, on the hammock, on the stairs, on the boat. Looking good Sean.
  • Ugh all of this Catherine is coming in at full force. WHERE WAS THIS AIRTIME THE FIRST 5 EPISODES??? Ruining my bracket Chris Harrison.
  • SHIRTLESS SEAN IS BACK LADIES. THANK YOU CHRIS HARRISON. BLESS.
  • When did the Bachelor turn into Fear Factor? What are these bugs??
  • Sean just recreated the intro for The Bachelor with the sunset. 10 points.
  • Sean and Lindsay are cute but I don’t think she’s going to get the hardware in the end. Sorry gurl.
  • Wait is anyone having flashbacks to Bachelorette Ashley’s Thailand trip with this dinner? It looks exactly the same am I right?
  • LINDSAY ACCEPTS THE FANTASY SUITE. Sean is 1 for 1.
  • I love Ashlee obviously but if she doesn’t get picked, poor girl is going to be CRUSHED. I mean she just called Sean the “love of her life” and “true love” in the first 2 minutes of this date. (EDIT: CAN I GET 10 POINTS FOR BEING PSYCHIC PLS)
  • I have a bad feeling about this date. Don’t ruin this Ashlee. (EDIT: PSYCHIC AGAIN)
  • ASHLEE ACCEPTS THE FANTASY SUITE. Sean is 2 for 2.
  • Ashlee just gave her dream wedding ring and measurements. Dear god. DON’T RUIN THIS ASHLEE. (EDIT: GO AHEAD AND CALL ME THAT’S SO RAVEN)
  • Ugh how am I just now seeing how cute Catherine and Sean are? I’m starting to not even be mad that she’s ruining my bracket.
  • Are Catherine and Sean sailing with Jack Sparrow? What is this pirate ship?
  • CATHERINE ACCEPTS THE FANTASY SUITE. Sean goes 3 for 3. You go Glen Coco.
  • WHO ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT SEAN??? WHO ARE YOU SENDING HOME? (Commence nervous snacking.)
  • I HAVE A BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS ROSE CEREMONY. ASHLEE DON’T LEAVE ME.
  • These are the most awkward video diaries. Chris Harrison this is weird. Not your best idea.
  • Lindsay’s dress so beautiful. Catherine looking good. Ashlee is out to kill with that dress. Werk gurl.
  • “Holy shit” is right Lindsay.
  • Lindsay is the first safe.
  • Catherine is safe.
  • IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING. I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS. MY HEART IS BROKEN. THERE IS NO AIR TO BREATHE. SEAN ARE YOU KIDDING ME. ASHLEE IS GOING HOME. WHAT IS HAPPENING. NO NO NO NO NO.
  • RIP SARAH’S BACHELOR BRACKET.
  • Oh homegirl is PISSED. Doesn’t even say bye to the girls and doesn’t want to speak to Sean. PEACE OUT.

Thailand, the land of broken hearts (mine included). Obviously I’m heartbroken. For both Ashlee and my bachelor bracket (mostly my bracket). While I still have Lindsay in my top 2, I didn’t choose her to win so my final total for this season will be 198. 

Can I have a moment of Internet pause. We had a good run. RIP Sarah’s Bachelor Sean Bracket. You will be missed.

Looking forward, does this mean Ashlee is the new Bachelorette for next season? You know since she came in 3rd like Sean did? I would totally kill it in a Bachelorette Ashlee Bracket. Me and homegirl are like this. Make it happen Chris Harrison.