I look forward to the 15th and 30/31st of every month because it’s PAY DAY. Those mornings when I wake up and log into my bank account I have about three minutes of sheer joy. I feel like I’m Beyonce flying over St. Barts in my private jet, high over the peasants because I’m so rich.
After three minutes that joy turns to ultimate sadness when I have to start moving my money around to pay bills. And thus my happiness has ended and I am plunged back into my 20-something reality.
Today I woke up, realized I didn’t want to be awake, decided I could make it work one more day without washing my hair and promptly got back into bed. Wednesdays, man. Always Wednesdays.
I’m still on the hunt for the perfect shoe storage. I found one online last night but they were going to make me pay a shitpile of money for delivery services so I said no way bro, KEEP YOUR STUPID SHOE STORAGE. The search continues.
Happy Hump Day.
I’ve said before that I’m trying to eat healthier and one of the things I’ve been eating lately is quinoa. My only rule of eating healthy is that I’ll do it, as long as what I’m eating doesn’t taste like shit. I surprisingly love quinoa. Here is my love letter to her.
Oh Quinoa, my dearest dearest quinoa. I think I’m in love with you.
You’re one of the only foods that tastes delicious hot, warm or cold (surprisingly difficult to pull off). But even more importantly, you don’t taste like shit as leftovers. (Because some foods have a distinct leftover taste and I just really can’t handle it.)
You fill me up when I’m hungry and you’re much healthier than eating rice so I feel like that’s making me a better human being. (That’s what I tell myself.)
You taste great plain, in a bowl with beans/salsa or even in a salad. (“SALAD?” you say? Yes salad. Quinoa tastes exceptionally good in a salad.)
Last but certainly not least, quinoa girl you look so good after you’re all cooked up in the pot. You turn from little tiny grains into circles with clear halos around them (BABY I CAN SEE YOUR HALO, HALO, HALOOOOO) in 12 to 15 minutes.
Thanks quinoa for making my “eating healthy” lifestyle a little easier. I really appreciate it.
Okay. I think I have finally recovered enough to talk about Beyonce’s halftime show. On Sunday when it aired I was in hysterics screaming FLAWLESS every five seconds. Later that night I rewatched the performance another 2 times. Then Monday I tried to get a grip but watched the performance another 7 times.
Actually let’s be honest I’m still not over it. I MEAN COME ON SHE’S THE QUEEN AND SHE HAS FINALLY RETURNED. I’m going to try to somewhat (but not really) contain myself and do a live word vomit breakdown of her performance because it was that incredible. It’s kind of long but I regret nothing.
- She kicks it off with a giant light cutout of herself. SASHA FIERCE IS IN THE ARENA.
- Then she starts with
Countdown (edit: it’s actually Love On Top. I was freaking out so much I didn’t even notice I typed it wrong) and her vocals are FLAWLESS.
- We have the infamous Queen Bey strut and BOOM CRAZY IN LOVE (my all time fave.)
- HAIR FLIP. FLAWLESS.
- Every woman will now take yoga to be able to kick like that. Bless you Beyonce.
bitches backup dancers have arrived.
- I would have given my first born for that jacket she threw into the crowd.
- THOSE LACE SHORTS ARE MY EVERYTHING.
- That guitar. I mean can you be anymore badass. The guitar player is like “only for you my Queen.”
- OH MY GOD THE FINGER LICK. EVERYONE IS DECEASED.
- Mental note: I really need to work on my hair flip.
- “Let’s work” said Beyonce on the 8th day of creation. As so it was. And so it shall be.
- OH MY GOD TILL THE END OF TIME. YES QUEEN BEY.
- No one would ever let Bey go let’s be real.
- SO. MANY. BEYONCES. IS THIS REAL LIFE.
Baby Boy Beyonce you’ve been on my mind.
- The fact that she does all of these hair flips in heels should garner it’s own award. Someone make that happen. The trophy can be a golden weave.
- OH SHIT KELLY AND MICHELLE. CAN YOU HANDLE THIS.
- It’s my life dream for Beyonce to call out “SARAH, CAN YOU HANDLE THIS?”
- Their harmonies I am CRYING. SO BEAUTIFUL. THE TRIFECTA.
- INDEPENDENT WOMEN THROW YOUR HANDS UP IN THE AIR.
- Michelle looks slightly uncomfortable. As anyone would when trying to perform alongside the Queen.
- CHARLIE’S ANGELS REFERENCE I AM SO DONE.
- Single Ladies. THE QUEEN IN HER ELEMENT.
- I wonder how long it took Kelly and Michelle to learn the choreo for Single Ladies. (Actually Michelle probably fangirled when it originally came out let’s be honest.)
- GOD QUEEN BEY’S SOLO DANCING I CANNOT BREATHE. FLAWLESS. She doesn’t even need her backup she’s like “MOVE I GOT THIS.”
- Holy shit she’s totally solo for Halo. Shit is getting REAL.
- THOSE PEOPLE WHO GOT TO TOUCH THE QUEENS HAIR AND HOLD HER HAND YOU BETTER NEVER WASH. YOU HAVE BEEN BLESSED.
- HER VOCALS. You get it Queen Bey. YOU GET IT AND SHOW THEM ALL.
- Literally crying at the vocals at this point. Actual tears I kid you not.
- “Thank you for this moment” no Queen Bey, thank you for returning and bestowing a new era upon us.
Final thoughts: 1) Someone should make a workout class based solely on this choreography. I’m convinced you would burn 2000 calories. 2) Everyone else needs to step the f*** down from the throne because the Queen is back. 3) Beyonce is everything.
Watch the full performance here.