Three years ago I sat down at my laptop and made my first post on this blog. It was about new socks. I was so terrified that I didn’t know what else to write about and I thought, “socks are always safe” so that’s what I wrote. Now three years later and I have so much more to talk about other than socks.
Knowing this anniversary was coming up had me looking through my old posts with a pleasant nostalgia. I can remember when and where I wrote most of them. Some were rushed in the mornings before class, some were in the evenings with a slow mosey and some were written over a few days as I edited and tweaked to my liking. Over time my voice shone through more and more clearly as I slowly became comfortable with myself and my writing style.
This past year in particular I haven’t posted as much on this blog because I’ve been throwing myself into other projects. My Etsy store, poems, lyrics, a few roadblocks and so many other things that just come up as you get older. But I’ve never stopped writing – I don’t think I could if I tried. I constantly have a little voice in my head coming up with rhymes or phrases or ideas that spiral out of my control until I can write them down. It’s a part of who I am.
Three years ago this blog saved me. Saved me from feeling like a tiny particle floating through an ocean. Saved me from feeling broken into tiny little pieces. Saved me from thinking I wasn’t good enough. It’s taken a long time but I now don’t think any of those things. This blog was me taking the first baby step toward that acceptance.
So while I may not write on this specific blog every day, it is always in the back of my mind. It was the first brave thing I had done as an “adult” that terrified me to my core. Once I pushed through that fear, it became a lifeline and then slowly it became like another limb. It was something I could use without second guessing and that is absolutely priceless.
Happy 3rd Birthday blog baby. Thank you for being my lifeline.
Yesterday marked three years since I moved to Los Angeles. I can vividly remember the build up. The anxiety, the stress, the excitement, the fear that it was all just a dream.
And then the hope. I remember the extreme feeling of hope.
I remember feeling like “I know this is what I’m supposed to be doing” and “I know this feels right.” I remember being so nervous to live by myself and then squashing that doubt with the feeling of not caring because I was going to live the dream I had dreamt for so long. I was going to live in the City of Angels.
I can’t exactly remember when my fascination with LA began but it had to have been somewhere around 12 or 13 years old. My family would travel to Southern California for softball tournaments and I could never get enough of the city. I wanted to be everywhere at once. I wanted to drive down every street. My dad used to joke that I would tell people “I don’t care if I sit in traffic for 5 hours, at least I’m sitting in LA.” The hope that this was the city where dreams were born and came true was so unbelievable to me. It was all I wanted. I wanted to build and see my dreams come true here too.
Three years I’ve been in this same one bedroom apartment. A year and a half ago I gained a roommate who has morphed from my best friend into the sister I never had. Together we continue to grow up and embrace the hilarious challenges that constitute being a 20-something.
Three years later I’m still scared, but in a good way. I think if you ever completely lose the fear of something you love then you become comfortable and then you become stagnant. I don’t ever want to become stagnant. So this fear is a good fear. I still love being in LA. I love feeling like I could do a million different things at once. I love feeling like I can change my look, my voice, my walk, my story at any given moment. But three years later, I don’t think I want to change as many things as I used to. I’m much more comfortable with who I am. Being in LA and seeing all the change can do that to you – it makes you choose a path and make it your own.
I can’t wait to continue to grow and change with LA. I can’t wait to continue to come into my own in this city. I’m a born and raised California girl, and right now, there is now where else I’d rather be to continue to grow up and figure out who I want to be.